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What I Did on my Blog Vacation

June 23rd, 2010 @ 5:24 pm | Comments (1)
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1. Bought a house

Crazy, right? I blame the tax credit.

2. Started tons of projects for said house

Everyone says homeownership is a lot of work. They’re right. We tackled the back deck area last weekend and a few other miscellaneous projects. And by we I mean my brother-in-law, dad and sister’s BF. Now it’s onward to painting, whee!

3. Hung out a lot with these guys

They’re growing up so fast. And there’s going to be one more come December.

4. Bought lots of baby bibs

For a while it seemed like everyone was getting married. Now it seems like everyone is procreating. If you need a good gift, check out my friend Kara’s Etsy shop.

5. Went on vacation. Took no photos. Oops! Good thing we’re going back to Ocean City, Md., next month.

What did you do on my blog vacation?

I want to quit the bus

March 8th, 2010 @ 9:46 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

The Erin Express was described to me a couple years ago as one of the best experiences of the describer’s life. The tale included a detailed account of finding her boyfriend by a Dumpster eating a bag of bread.

So what is the Erin Express? A free bus, sponsored by about 15 Philadelphia Irish bars, that runs in loop between all the bars for 5 hours.

I’m always up for a legendary experience but this was the first year my schedule allowed for shamrocking shenanigans. My sister and some of her friends met up with some of my friends in the Art Museum area for a day of debauchery. While it had all the makings of awesome, we quickly quit the Erin Express for a couple of reasons:

* Bud Light bottles at the first bar were $5. Sure, they were green, but they were Bud Light.

* The bus ride from hell. Yes, it was free. But we probably could have walked from Fairmount to University City quicker than the hour-plus we were trapped on the school bus. God bless the woman who had the unfortunate task of chauffeuring rowdy, green-clad, drunk people all around Philadelphia. I’m sure there was a specific route she had to take but that route did not make any sense at all, hence the hour long ride and the screaming match between the driver and a spoiled, drunk brat.

* I’m old. Age is just a number but I think there comes a point where you need to stop trying to drink as much as possible as early as possible. I’ve reached that point.

* Too many butt cheeks. Ladies, not a classy look at all.

So we quit the bus and made our own tour of Philadelphia. First up, hibachi. Then super cheap drinks at Tavern on Broad followed by more cheap drinks at Jolly’s piano bar.

At Jolly’s I figured out why I’m single.

I started talking about the exercise recovery benefits of chocolate milk and he mentioned that that’s probably a healthier (and safer) way to recover than his current recovery food.

Two raw eggs.

Because it was good enough for Rocky.

And then I almost fell off my barstool laughing.

It wasn’t until running along Kelly Drive this afternoon that I remembered I recently told a different guy I was thinking about going to law school.

Because of Legally Blonde.

The Clampetts go to Farmville

January 6th, 2010 @ 9:31 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: Cows, My glamourous life | Tags:

Scene: Two of my sisters and I are sitting on our parents’ couch, laptops warming our knees. Dad enters.

(Background: My dad can maybe turn off a computer, he usually just pulls the plug. Although there was that one time, like 10 years ago, he really enjoyed playing pinball.) (Also, my dad has a disposition similar to Red from “That ’70s Show.”)

Dad: What ARE you doing?

Us, in unison: Playing Farmville.

Dad: What?

Me: Farmville. It’s a computer farming game.

K: You plant crops, milk cows, earn money.

Dad: You idiots. We have 150 REAL acres out there. Go farm for real.

Me: But we don’t get smelly farming on Facebook. And it’s much warmer in here.

(Aside: You make way more money for your cows’ milk on Farmville than you do in real life. And I don’t think anyone makes pink tractors. By the way, brown cows don’t produce chocolate milk, nor do pink cows make strawberry milk.)

Empty Frames

October 7th, 2009 @ 8:42 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: My glamourous life, Pomdering | Tags:

Several months ago, I bought picture frames engraved with the word “Sisters.” I do this occassionally - pick up matching items to give to my three younger sisters to symbolize our sisterly bond.

Though we fought (really, physically, emotionally fought like cats and dogs) through out childhood, as we matured we grew really close. We bought sister rings on our Griswold family vacation. We took crazy photos at random locations on another trip through the South. We’ve helped each other move and stood beside our sister as she said “I do.” The night before S got married, we all slept together on our parents’ pull out sofa bed. We had cookie making parties and have matching footie pajamas.

So I bought these picture frames months ago hoping that in the very near future we would have another picture-perfect opportunity we could capture on film (or digital) that I could commit to photo paper and seal behind glass. But it’s been months, more than 12 of them, since the four of us have had a happy, carefree, sisterly moment together. We haven’t spent a holiday together since Easter 2008, the day before S walked out on her husband and chose a new path in life. She has a new family now; new friends, a new man, a new baby. Because of the man’s history with my family, either he won’t come around or she won’t bring him around. So she chooses him, even though he’s unworthy of her.

Then I think, who am I to judge her? Him? Why can’t I just support her and love her, decisions and all? I just want my sister back. I want more photogenic moments. I want to eat Thanksgiving dinner beside her. I want to send wrapping paper flying through the air on Christmas Day beside her. I want to see my nephews - those adorable, lovable baby boys who own my heart - dressed in Halloween costumes. I want, I want, I want to be a happy family again. I need to be a good sister and just accept her and her decisions because I think that’s what she needs.

A few days ago I found the forgotten empty frames still wrapped in the Kohl’s bag. I cried.

Deep breaths, if you dare

April 27th, 2009 @ 9:57 pm | Comments (4)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

This week’s episode of Rules of Engagement featured a teenage Amish boy in the Big City during his Rumshpringa. Not only did the actor playing the Amish boy have the worst Amish accent ever, but it triggered a story that I almost forgot.

My oldest nephews (oh wait, I forgot to blog that my sister had a baby almost two weeks ago? Poor Cody.) have an Amish babysitter. Interesting Amish factoid of the day: most Amish only bathe on Saturdays, in preparation for church on Sunday. And they don’t wear deodorant.

Because she was moving the next day and had to borrow my dad’s cattle trailer to transport all her rustic cabin furnishings and dead, stuffed animal heads, my sister visited my parents’ house Friday night. She brought with her Blayne, who spent all day with the Amish babysitter. On Friday. Which is the day before her weekly bath.

My sister didn’t appreciate it so much when I nearly gagged after taking a deep breath of what should have been that magical baby smell but was instead horrific BO.

Tomorrow’s update: Surprise! It’s another boy!

Can’t stand the excitement

February 18th, 2009 @ 7:46 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

I would update my blog more, but the only interesting story I can bring the fire circle is one about getting  into the shower after a good workout on Monday still wearing my sports bra. And it took me a second to figure out what didn’t feel quite right.

Other things of note:

  • I’m still car shopping but if Monday’s excursion to three dealerships is any indication, it’s going to be a loooong process. Two salesmen tried to sell me OTHER things - one on the idea of buying a house (which, if I am this indecisive about buying a $20,000 car, can you imagine what it’ll be like when I buy a $150,000 home?) and the other made a valiant pitch for his friend’s restaurant. The third salesman wasn’t even really a salesman but an intern. Gee, I wonder why the auto industry is struggling.
  • A woman who works for another company on my floor asked me in the bathroom if I’d had my baby yet. Um… no. Also? Ouch. We’ll just blame it on confusing me with my two recently postpartum coworkers.
  • Last night a group of us met at a friend’s condo in Center City Philadelphia. By the end of the evening the friend had 10-plus women coveting her amazing home which was not only an ultra-modern recently converted warehouse but was stylishly decorated and had amazing views of the city. To say it was beautiful is an understatement. What’s not beautiful is that her monthly rent is more than my bring home pay.
  • BlogHer rejected me as a volunteer for the upcoming conference. Is anyone going this year? I’m thinking about it if I can find a roommate.

I hope your weeks have been more exciting than mine…

Baby Blayne

January 18th, 2009 @ 3:50 pm | Comments (4)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags: , ,

Blayne Steven

Meet Blayne Steven.

My newest nephew arrived late Thursday night and I was waiting in the hospital lobby when he popped out.

“Popped out” literally describes what he did - the medical professionals hypothesized he dropped so fast he smacked his face on my sister’s hips. His face was one big bruise and at some point his clavicle broke.

It’s hard not to compare brothers but the differences are so obvious. Where Dylan a blond haired, blue eyed pretty boy, Blayne is shaping up to be tall, dark and handsome. He weighed more than a pound more than Dylan and is two inches taller. And Blayne’s ears are way smaller.

“Can they make a blanket that feels just like this?” my youngest sister asked while nuzzling Blayne’s downy head. The satiny smoothness of a baby’s head is one of the best textures in the world.

(PS - I keep calling him Blake. Oops.)

It DOES Pay to Discover

January 15th, 2009 @ 12:45 pm | Comments (4)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags: , ,

Dear Discover Card,

I love you. Thank you for siding with me on the recent dispute I filed against the horrible transmission company that took my money and manhandled my car. Want to make out?

XOXO,

Pom

In my farewell to 2008, I forgot about the horror of dealing with my car’s transmission. I never believe my car was properly fixed, but a return trip to the transmission shop and a test drive by my father let me believe that it would be OK. The car still didn’t feel right and the gas mileage was in the toilet. I made an appointment at my favorite neighborhood repair shop for a tune up and Al said I only needed new spark plugs, the rest of the motor looked fine. For shits and giggles, he decided to take a look at my transmission. And then he said we needed to talk.

I paid to have my transmission rebuilt but Al said they just squirted in a bunch of silicon and spray painted a tray or pan or something. Basically, they did a $200 job and charged me $1,800. And Art still wouldn’t give back the $1,000 deposit he said he never received it in his bank account.

After Al and I talked, I tried repeatedly to call the transmission shop - no answer. I was fed up! I disputed both charges - the “deposit” and the repair bill.

Today I logged on to assess the damage from my holiday shopping and voila! Discover approved the dispute and credited my account $2,800.

Halle-freakin’-lujah.

According to Al, my car is a time bomb waiting to explode. I’ve been looking around for a new car and think I’ve settled on a Toyota Corolla but I’m interested to hear your opinion. Love it, hate it? Have another car you wholeheartedly endorse? Comments welcome!

It’s an honor to be nominated(?)

January 14th, 2009 @ 12:30 am | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

I had to attend an interpersonal communications class last year during which I learned I have a personality classification that equates to needing to tell the world everything.

Given all that’s going on in my family, it’s been hard for me to not talk to people about it. It’s how I deal with stuff - talking. It doesn’t help that I’m the only single person in my family - everyone else has a significant other to unload on. Meanwhile, I only have my friends and coworkers (and random people who ask how my day is) to talk me through the drama.

Slynnro recently held a contest to determine which reader has either received the worst holiday gift or the worst/most ridiculous/hilarious family behavior on a holiday story. She just posted the finalists and I’m one of them!

So, if you have a minute, will you please click over and vote for my tale of woe? I just love her summary of the story. It’s really too bad I wasn’t blogging during Christmas 2007. I would have gotten so many posts from it.

Vote Pom!

(Dear Lord, please don’t let my family find this blog. They hate that I’m a talker.)

Don’t let it hit you

January 1st, 2009 @ 9:56 pm | Comments (5)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

“There’s the door, leave your letters,” was a common refrain from one of my bitchiest sorority sisters when drama stirred in the house. If you didn’t see things her way, she wouldn’t miss you.

Well, 2008, there’s the door. You were a tough one, weren’t you? While I’m grateful that I’m still gainfully employed and have some money in the bank, there were low moments which overshadowed any high points.

The Good

  • I continued to lose weight, and until the recent Christmas eating binge, I’ve lost almost 70 pounds since I started my healthier lifestyle in February 2006.
  • I have the cutest, sweetest nephew.
  • I’m going to be an aunt again in 2009, twice.
  • My sister got a really cute puppy.
  • I went on a couple of trips to fun new cities: San Antonio in January, Portland, Maine, in June. And a few return trips to Chicago.
  • Awesome new friends made through this little space on the Internet. Thank you for your support and kindness.

The Bad

  • The downward spiral that is my sister’s life. From leaving her husband to getting pregnant days later, I’ve let the drama consume my thoughts. But it won’t in 2009. It can’t.
  • My sister’s brother-in-law died in a car accident. I spent a lot of time with his family over the holidays and they’re hurting so much. I think it’s because he lived several hours away and wasn’t home much that it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone. I look at pictures - of him in his new Mustang, at the wedding, at a Penn State game - and can’t believe that he’s not going to be in pictures in April when our niece or nephew is born.
  • I’ve had to reevaluate a few friendships. It’s damn hard to feel and see yourself growing apart from your best friends.

As we start off on the journey through 2009 I wish you and yours all the best for a happy, healthy, prosperous year. May all the right doors remain open for you.

Thanksgiving Wrap

December 2nd, 2008 @ 10:08 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

After many, many lectures about what I was and was not allowed to say to my sister (I may have told her getting pregnant was stupid last time I saw her), Thanksgiving went remarkably well. That sister refused to join us for lunch, citing her fear of what I would say as her excuse. But she brought my nephew over for an hour later in the afternoon so we got to spend a little time with him and learned the boy loves to dance. Put on some music and the kid gets down.

Before the whole fiasco unfolded, I was really involved in Dylan’s life. My sister invited me to the ultrasound when they found out the baby was going to be a he. I spent many, many hours in her hospital room. I went home most weekends to spend time with him and my name was one of the first words he said. Now he barely recognizes me.

My respect for both professional photographers and the people at the mall photo studios grew over the long holiday weekend. My mom wanted to get Christmas photos taken of Dylan but trying to get an appointment on the day that all schools in our county were closed for deer hunting was a huge fail. She called to see if I would play photographer and let me say, wrangling a toddler, lights and a camera is harder than milking a bull.

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Honored

November 25th, 2008 @ 10:46 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

Moving to a new town by yourself is hard. Unlike college, there’s not a built-in group of people in the exact same situation as you to befriend. People are wrapped up in their own lives and I’ve struggled to forge new friendships. One of my saving social graces has been my sorority’s local alumnae chapter. With monthly happy hours, meetings and sisterhoods, it’s been a great outlet to meet awesome friends. I’ve had some amazing experiences with these women - from tailgates to baby showers to a World Series win, it’s the sisterhood that keeps on giving.

I feel like I’ve already gotten so much from the alumnae chapter and I’ve given relatively little in return. That’s why I was so shocked to win a prestigeous award last weekend at our Founders’ Day celebration.  Work’s been kind of rough lately, my family is falling apart, and my car’s about to die. When my name was called, all the negative things floated away and I suddenly felt loved, accepted and useful. I need to find a way to pay it forward because it feels really, really good to actually hear the positive things people think about you. I don’t think as a society we praise each other enough and I want to do my part to change that.

As if the award wasn’t enough, I went to the casino on the next floor up and won $40 playing Texas Tea. Something tells me I should donate that money to my sorority.

I swear I had an awesome title, but now it escapes me

November 17th, 2008 @ 8:23 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

Well. That sure was depressing. I thank you all so, so, so, so much for your kind comments and commisseration. I’ve taken the days since I found out to reflect on the situation and realize that I need to be part of the solution. I need to reach out to my sister and make her feel like she’s not alone. And if she doesn’t answer? I’ll call back. I’ll keep calling until we finally talk. Because life is short and I’m flying tomorrow, which always makes me want to get my affairs in order.

On a lighter note, before the wall came crashing down in my melodramatic world, I started my first blog post for NaBloPoMo. That effort was derailed before it left the station in part because of the sister drama but also because I am the most forgetful person ever. I had a meeting 3 hours away from Philadelphia last week and I had to call the office from Enterprise to have a coworker fax me a form. The next day she pointed out that I always forget something. The real downfall of my NaBloPoMo lameness? I left my laptop power cord in Maryland and the guy who promised to mail it back to me took two weeks to send it.

So, here’s what would have been my first post:

As I was eating my salad at one of the best buffets in the world, my father said, “Hey! I discovered a new salad dressing.”

“Oh really? What is it?” I asked, shocked that my father ventured out of his comfort zone. From the pride in his voice, I expected something unique or exotic.

“Ranch,” he replied.

And then I fell out of my chair from laughing so hard.

Teardrops on my Keyboard

November 12th, 2008 @ 8:59 pm | Comments (7)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

My adolescent career goal was to produce a night-time soap opera, probably because my family was an excellent source of storylines. There’s the cousin who got pregnant at 12; the uncle’s wife who had an affair with the aunt’s husband; the cousin who walked in on his best friend in bed with his wife; the cousin whose girlfriend got pregnant so he wouldn’t study abroad (but oh yes he did); and to cap it off, drama surrounding my great-grandfather’s will that resulted in my father boycotting family functions for years. Transform us into rich ranchers instead of poor farmers and we’re just a big hairstyle away from Dallas.

I could sit back and laugh, pass judgment and gossip because my sisters and I were above reproach. We graduated without spending time in the maternity ward, no stints in rehab and I breathed an extra sigh of relief when my youngest sister turned 21 without any of us getting cited for underage drinking. I thought we learned from our relatives’ mistakes and that we would be the generation to make it through life OK.

But now my sister, the fabled golden child, has become the proverbial prodigal child. She walked out on her husband of 3.5 years the day after Easter, with very little reason or explanation. In the months leading up to the split and that followed, her behavior became more and more erratic, she would disappear for hours at a time with a vague explanation, she pawned my nephew off on relatives with little regard to their schedules and one time told her husband to just leave him in the crib, by himself with the phone turned on, and go to work - she was only 10 minutes from their house.

We added up the sneaking and lying and figured out there was someone else. I tried to be supportive, I really did. Against my inane sense of judgment and high morals, I tried to show her that I loved her. But when I heard that last story, and after finding evidence of coed sleep overs in her apartment, I made some unsisterly-like comments that closed communications between us in June. I went to her birthday lunch in September and called her Oct. 30 to see if I could take Dylan trick-or-treating (last year she dropped Dylan off at my sister’s, disappeared for a few hours, then showed up and put him in his costume to take him home to make it look like he had been trick-or-treating). She never returned my call but I did get to see him that weekend. When I went with my mom to pick him up Sunday night, my world was rocked.

She’s pregnant.

And due in late January.

The baby daddy is a piece of crap who has already been to jail for not paying child support for his daughter. He worked for my parents and called up my mom at 2 a.m. to cuss her out for changing his schedule and then quit, making my father leave at 2:30 a.m. to do his job. I strongly suspect he’s been sponging off my sister since then.

In the week since I found out, there are at least three times each day that I have to fight back tears. Tears for my sister, who will have two kids, with two men, within two years. Tears for my nephew who deserves to have a happy, dramaless childhood. Tears for my parents who are wondering what they did wrong. I still remember walking in my parents’ room the morning after my sister’s wedding and finding my dad sitting on his bed crying because his favorite little girl was all grown up. The only other time I saw him cry was when his father died. Tears for my sister who tried for a year to get pregnant, but now her pregnancy will be overshadowed by this turn of events. Tears for my brother-in-law who loved my sister so much and wanted children so badly and didn’t deserve this.

I just don’t understand. She’s a smart girl - she skipped her senior year of high school to start college. It’s not that hard to not get pregnant. Why did it have to be with this loser???

I know this doesn’t really affect my life, not the way my inner drama queen feels like it has. I’ll just have another baby to love, should I ever get to meet him or her.

But I wonder how alone she feels. Is this POS enough to replace her family? Is she scared? Will she call us when the baby’s born?

I don’t know which makes me cry more - that she’s pregnant or that she didn’t, or couldn’t, tell us until my mom confronted her.

IMG_9259

At least my sister makes cute kids.

(There really must be something about Chicago - I was there twice in October. And I’ll be back next week. I already warned my youngest sister.)

I’m cheap and dirty, too

October 28th, 2008 @ 5:20 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

I returned from a several day-long business trip to find this on my computer monitor. At least I still have 2.5 years until I have to pass it on! (Unless someone slightly older than me joins the company before July 30, 2011.)

Which, wow. Two and a half years doesn’t really seem that far away, but 2011 does.

Thank you to everyone who voted in my poll and shared your favorite books. In case you’re wondering what I did, it was a combination of number one and number 4. I wiped it off, moved it toward my lips, paused to consider the possible ramifications, recapped it, and surveyed the internet. Then I sprayed it with antibacterial spray and used it a few days later. So far, so good.

But have you ever NEEDED lip balm/gloss and you don’t have any? My lands! That bus ride was one of the longest of my life. My lips were burning. I thought I had a back up tube somewhere in the dark recesses of my purse, but no amount of excavating unearthed it.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

Will be posted soon. I’m waiting to hear back from the winner…

It’s a Pomderful Life

October 22nd, 2008 @ 9:25 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life | Tags:

It was during my grandfather’s funeral nearly 5 years ago that I noticed how much gray hair my cousin Timmy had. He would have only been about 25 and I hadn’t seen him in a couple years. (He’s a product of divorce whose mother used him as a pawn. But that’s another story.) The buzz cut he sported emphasized that his dark hair was much more salt than pepper. By this point in my life I was already coloring my hair, but it was a half-hearted exercise in vanity to cover the smattering of silver strands rather than a necessity.

It figures the only trait I picked from my father’s tall, thin, tanned  gene pool was the tendency to gray early. It’s kind of sad when you have more gray than your mother.

Because I’m so much taller than most everyone else, it’s easy to get a few extra days between colorings - not many can see the top of my head. At least when I stand. While sitting at my desk yesterday, my coworker Ukie came to talk to me.

“Pom, what do you… Oh! Your hair! Why it so gray? You so young!” she said. (She’s Ukrainian.) “Is it because of your family?”

“Yes, Ukie. It is because of my family,” I said. “But also because of comments like this. It’s like that movie - every time I get insulted, a hair loses its pigment.”

Which reminds me I have another story from Clarion to share. As I walked into the decrepit “fraternity” house for the homecoming pig roast, a “pledge” greeted me.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m Pom, Shazaam’s sister,” I said.

“Oh, OK. I just wanted to meet everyone’s parents,” he said.

“But, but I’m not a parent. I just told you I’m Shazaam’s sister.”

“Oh, well you could be a parent. I could be a parent.”

“Yes, but not to a college student,” I said.

Then he returned to making Jello for the upcoming Jello wrestling. Only, instead of chilling the Jello to let it set, he dumped the boiling gelatin into a blow up baby pool that was filled with detritus from nearby trees and sitting in the hot sun. Something (aka Shazaam) tells me he’s not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Should have waited until Tuesday, or, an ad for AAA

October 15th, 2008 @ 5:55 pm | Comments (5)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags: , , ,

Mama always said, “Girl, you have wheels on your butt.” And for the past couple of weeks, that’s been true. First it was a work trip to Pittsburgh, which I turned into a personal trip to Clarion for homecoming. The following week, I tried to go to Chicago for another work event, and I eventually made it - $2,800 later.

I had grand plans to visit Target before heading to the airport. Of course, as usual, I was running late. But I had about 30 minutes after loading up the car. I hopped in the front seat, turned the key and… nothing.

$&#^@!

Dead battery.

I called AAA (thank you, work, for my free membership) for a jump. I wouldn’t be able to go to Target, but that’s OK. I didn’t really NEED anything, anyway.

Then a neighbor pulled around my cul de sac in his pickup truck. Score! I made a snap stereotyped and guessed, correctly, that he had a pair of jumper cables.

After offering him cash for saving my day, and then promising a free night of babysitting when he refused the cash, I cranked up the radio and headed for the airport.

I was crossing a bridge when I noticed a high-pitched whine when i pressed the gas. And then pushing the gas stopped making me go forward. The engine revved, but I didn’t accelerate.

&%$&^%!!!!!

I hit the AAA speed dial. Because I was on a busy Interstate, the dispatcher promised someone would be there in 30 minutes. The driver loaded up my car and we went to my friendly garage, where my mechanic reminds me of my dearly departed grandfather. The bus I needed to catch to transfer to the train to take to the airport lumbered toward us, so I threw my keys at him, grabbed my bags, dashed into traffic and breathlessly boarded the Number 9 to catch my rescheduled flight.

By Friday morning, I hadn’t heard anything from the garage, so I called to check in on the car. Turns out the transmission was broken, and they don’t fix them at that garage. The only garage they could recommend couldn’t even look at it until Tuesday afternoon. I Googled transmission near my zip code and found a place a couple miles away (AAA will take your car to another garage, if the first one can’t fix it). After giving my credit card number for a $1,000 deposit, I boarded my plane home.

First thing Monday morning, the new garage called and said my credit card didn’t go through. Chalking it up to the garage’s ineptitude with modern technology, I promised to bring the card to pay the balance when I picked up my car that afternoon.

I paid $1,800 and left the garage, my car running not quite the “As good as new” as promised but I don’t know much about repaired transmissions.

Imagine my surprise when 25 hours later I coasted into a McDonald’s parking lot and called AAA for another tow.

And imagine my horror when I checked my credit card statement online this morning and saw the original $1,000 transaction DID go through.

Finally, imagine the shit that will hit the fan if I have to call AAA one more time.

Jaw Dropping

October 6th, 2008 @ 9:11 pm | Comments (3)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life | Tags:

I have a tendency to say things, things that don’t come out right and perhaps if I took a minute to think before I open my mouth, I would not get in so much trouble. I try to be a generally nice person, honestly, but sometimes my snarky side comes out and sometimes people just do or say stupid things. There’s also instances when my brain doesn’t work fast enough, so I just say something to fill that gap of silence. For instance, I once asked a woman if her sister-in-law was her mother-in-law. Oops.

This weekend, my college homecoming was not only one of the best homecomings ever but also one of the most fun weekends of my life. I spent lots of time with my youngest sister, who is now 21, her boyfriend, his fraternity brothers, and my best friend from Virginia. Time gets in the way of our long distance friendship. It makes me sad that we don’t call each other often and that she stood me up in San Antonio last January. But this weekend reinforced our friendship and we have awesome stories that could only happen in Clarion.

However, comment karma got me, and it got me bad.

I was sitting on my sister’s boyfriend’s “fraternity house” (air quoted because his fraternity officially lost its charter and campus recognition so the members formed a new, co-ed social club) porch when a alumnus from my years in Clarion, who I didn’t remember, approached us.

“You look like a prude,” he said. “I’m not even going to try to hit on you, because I don’t think you’ll have sex with me.”

I’m not sure what said prude, whether it was my bored expression or the turquoise argyle cardigan, pearls and jeans I was wearing. Or that I didn’t volunteer to Jello-wrestle. I was able to laugh it off because I honestly wouldn’t have had sex with him. And not because I’m a prude.

Well played, karma. I’m going to file this under a new category: Inappropriate things people say to me. It’ll fill up quickly because I have at least one more story to tell from this weekendd.

Thank goodness I had that second glass of wine…

October 1st, 2008 @ 8:54 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: My glamourous life, Ouchies | Tags:

Thank goodness I had that second glass of wine…

Because it’s numbing the pain right now.

See, I just finished dinner with a coworker in Pittsburgh. The hotel shuttle dropped me off in front of one of the finer hotels in town. I walked toward the rotating front door and the next thing I know, I’m sprawled on my stomach in front of three fellow guests and a valet. Turns out there’s a curb between the circular driveway and the rotating front door.

Which I might have seen had I not had the second glass of wine.

I’m enroute to my college’s homecoming shindig during which Autumn Leaf Festival morphs into Annual Liquor Festival. More tales of bodily injury may or may not follow.

Trashy Woman

September 28th, 2008 @ 8:40 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

Upon entering my friend’s “White Trash”-themed birthday party last night:

“Sweetie, we really appreciate you coming and all, but you’re wearing the exact opposite of white trash gear.”

Sometimes people say nice things to me.

PS - Go Phillies!

Blogher?

September 16th, 2008 @ 4:13 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: Bloginess, I heart TV, My glamourous life | Tags: ,

I’ve been working on a Web site update at work about blogs, which made me think about my own. Stay tuned tomorrow, I’ll be liveblogging from the Martha Stewart Show!

It’s our Blogging Show, and Martha is one-on-one with some of the Internet’s most prolific and popular bloggers! First, famous celebrity tracker Perez Hilton is here with the top five tips every aspiring blogger needs to hear. Then, meet two interesting food bloggers, Matt Armendariz, of mattbites.com, and Deb Perelman from Smitten Kitchen. Plus, as the road to the White House heats up, Ben Smith and Jonathan Martin join Martha for an inside look at covering the presidential election on Politico. And Margaret Roach tells Martha how she used her green thumb to grow her popular blog, A Way to Garden.

I’m hoping Deb shares yummy treats! Have you ever been in the live studio audience of a TV show? It’s been on my “bucket list” for a long time. I’m so excited!

Also, is anyone going to the BlogHer Outreach Tour in D.C.? I’m thinking about it - it sounds like a lot of fun! Unfortunately, I just saw four other cities were cancelled.

Conversations with my Father

September 15th, 2008 @ 7:53 pm | Comments (3)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

My father, his Amish friend Jesse and I were chatting Saturday afternoon when Jesse asked if I have a boyfriend, yet. I replied no, I’m still looking.

“How old are you now?” my dad asked.

“Twenty-seven,” I replied.

“How old do you have to be to be an old maid?” he asked.

“I think 25,” Jesse said.

Consumerism makes me write open letters (Or, a wrap up of my week)

September 12th, 2008 @ 4:58 pm | Comments (4)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

Dear Gymboree,

Your clothes are a-freakin’-dorable. Especially right now for folks who love all things country and/or western. I was perfectly happy to shell out $10 for this shirt for it is cute. Through a haze of love for my nephew, I purchased the coordinating pants. Once I was out of the evil clutches of the store, I realized I spent almost as much for pants for an 18-month-old as I do for myself. Not cool.

See you soon, when I return for a refund,

Thrifty Pom

****************************************************

Dear NY&Co.,

Sure, your clothes are moderately stylish and I appreciate the coupons. I just have two words for you: natural fibers.

Best,

Shackled in Synthetic

*****************************************

Dear Macy’s,

Christmas trees? In September? You’ve gone too far.

Bah humbug,

Pomaneezer Scrooge

*************************************************************

Dear Social Calendar,

You were supposed to be full this week. I’m sorry all your plans were cancelled. There’s always happy hour tonight!

Better luck next week,

Introverted Pom

**************************************************************

Dear Kick-My-Ass Cardio,

Ouch. It’s really my fault for returning for week two.

Yours in pain,

P

************************************************************

Dear Glass,

Thank you so much for shattering as I stuck my hand inside to clean you. The gash you left behind will heal as horribly as every other incision on my body. I’m looking forward to a beautiful scar on my right hand I’m sure you’ll leave behind. (Just be glad I’m not sharing a photo.)

OOOO (no Xes because stitches weren’t required),

One hand Pom

The Tale of PomJob

September 11th, 2008 @ 6:36 pm | Comments (6)
Filed: Bloginess, My glamourous life | Tags:

Oh! Hi there! Welcome to my new home, PomJob.com, stylishly designed by the FABULOUS Jayesel. I won a contest over at her house a little while ago and the reward is a custom-built blog. If you’re looking to spruce up your Web site, I highly recommend Jen; she’s extremely talented.

One of Jen’s stipulations was that I tell the story of my blog’s name, so here we go (it’s not that exciting, promise).

Once upon a time in a land called Clarion, there were two sorority sisters with the same first name, J1 and J2. This was not unusual as J1 spent the majority of her life as one of several of the same-named people in every group. Hence, she was known as JP for most of her childhood. (This was the hardship of having the second most popular female name in 1981, according the the Social Security office. (The number one name that year? Jennifer. Which may explain why I always get called Jennifer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that name, it’s perfectly lovely. It’s just not mine.))

Unfortunately for her, J2’s last name is Hand. One day, a sorority sister, in a moment of infantile wisdom, had a brainstorm.

“OMG! We can totally call you HandJob!” she said. No offense was taken by J2 (she’s that kind of girl), and to this day she answers to the name HandJob.

Several months passed at which point JP casually remarked that, since JHand was now solely referred to as HandJob (except by JP, who still called her JHand), she could now go back to just being called J. (Or a variety of nicknames spawned from her uncommon last name, such as Palmolive and Pomegranate.)

“Ooooorrrrrr,” a sorority sister responded. “We could call you PomJob!”

And so they do.

Come on and take a free ride

September 2nd, 2008 @ 7:44 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

Summer is officially over. How do I know? I was 20 minutes late for work.

A new bus schedule gives me options: leave a couple minutes earlier than usual and allegedly arrive at work at 8:19, or leave a couple minutes later than before and arrive at 8:28. Being the dedicated employee I am, I left a few minutes early and waited. And waited. The bus finally rolled up at 7:56. The doors open and… people start pouring out.

Someone upchucked on the bus.

The upside? The new driver didn’t make me pay.

The Mind Erasers weren’t mine

August 30th, 2008 @ 11:25 am | Comments (1)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags: , ,

Random observances from last night:

  • Rain makes my hair double in size. And there’s not much I can do in a bar to contain it.
  • Drinking three Mind Erasers in 20 minutes may make you want to stand on a chair.
  • Standing on a chair will get you in trouble.
  • If you get in trouble for standing on a chair, the odds that you’ll get escorted from the premises will quadruple. The rest of your group will continue to party without you.
  • I’m much better at playing rapid-fire Quarters than regular Quarters.
  • There are other people in Philadelphia who like country music! But I couldn’t convince any of them to see Brad Paisley with me tonight.
  • I’m not as young as I once was. The next day is more painful now.
  • Potbelly closes at 9. Eating dinner earlier would have been a great idea.
  • Hot guys in suits are excellent eye candy but they can make you want to gouge out your ears with a blunt knife if they sing karaoke.
  • If you break any of the karaoke rules posted by the karaoke stage, the Karaoke Troll will rush from the other side of the bar to yell at you.
  • There’s an unbroken umbrella in a bar, just waiting to be photographed for Katie. And of course it started raining, which reminded me that I forgot it.
  • Do you know what’s really funny? Seeing someone walk onto a Septa bus carrying a case of beer.
  • There’s scuttlebutt about a potential road trip Monday to see NKOTB on the Today Show.

Did you learn any life lessons last night? Please share! If not, make it a point to learn some during this fabulously long weekend.

And! OMFG! Jonas Brothers! Squee!!!

August 27th, 2008 @ 8:32 pm | Comments (7)
Filed: Celebrities, My glamourous life | Tags:

Oh y’all. I’m totally going to Hell for what I did tonight.

I lied to multiple tweens. And they believed me. But it was for their own good.

If you set up a booth to promote nature’s most nearly perfect food, teenyboppers will think everything on said booth is affiliated with/touched by/beloved/former property of the Jonas Brothers. So when girls started asking questions like, “Did the Jonas Brothers touch this lip gloss?” I had no choice but to reply yes.

And then I might have said yes, I did meet the Jonas Brothers. No, I didn’t get their autographs. But one did kiss me. Which one? Umm… NIck! Yes. Definitely Nick. What? He’s only 15? Uh, it was on the cheek. Seriously. (Girls, I’m sorry. Everything unrelated to my job was a lie. Don’t hate me.)

And the screaming. Oh the screaming. They JBs did meet-and-greets in a little room a couple hundred feet for us. Every time the door opened and the girls caught a glimpse of a moving body inside the room, the building erupted in an ear-splitting squeal.

And then my coworker was trampled in the mob’s quest to see Demi someone walk down the hallway.

Please tell me I never acted like that.

(However, my colleague, once she pieced herself back together, sent me home with 2 pounds of cheese. Party at my house!)

There’s something about Chicago

August 25th, 2008 @ 5:29 pm | Comments (3)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

Two years ago, we browsed maternity clothes while on vacation in Chicago. My sister announced she was expecting at a Fourth of July party two months earlier and her baby bump was starting to show, necessitating new clothes.

I have to say, the outcome of that pregnancy was pretty spectacular.

On Friday, I commented to my grandmother that I hope my sister, Bim, gets pregnant soon. She and her husband have been trying for a year and it’s emotionally taxing, I’m sure, waiting for that pink line to show up every month. Grandma said my mom had just bought maternity clothes for her on Wednesday. I guess that’s what you do in Chicago, 10.5 percent sales tax be damned.

Bright and early Saturday morning, Bim called bright and early (aka 10 a.m. Central Time) to prepare us for the next spectacular outcome.

My youngest sister and I are planning to stay away from Chicago for a long time. (Or until I have to go back in two months. Given the outcomes of our last two visits, she’s not allowed invited.)

PomJob’s Excellent Chicago Adventure

August 15th, 2008 @ 1:33 pm | Comments (4)
Filed: My glamourous life, Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

I learned yesterday that Chicago PomJob is much more fun than regular PomJob.

When she found out that I was spending additional time in Chicago after our training, my colleague S invited me to her home and then we went to Wicker Park for dinner. (In case you’re wondering, the Wicker Park dog park smells like a chicken coup.) After debating the merits of delicious sangria versus a novel of beer options, we decided to head to People to introduce me to the world of tapas. How have I lived 27 years without tapas in my life? It was divine. I tried many new things: sheep’s milk cheese, goat’s milk cheese, mango chutney and spaghetti squash cakes.

Speaking of 27, as we enjoyed a bottle of wine at S’s house before dinner, the subject of age arose and S stated/questioned whether I was around the same age as her and M, right? I knew I was several years younger but as I was trying to tactfully correct her, she said, “You’re what, 34?” Um. Yikes.

After two carafes of sangria, several plates of food and great conversation, we interrupted a kickball league celebration at the bar next door. When they lined up for a game of flip cup, I almost asked to join in. After a beer, M and S said their goodbyes and I headed for the L to head back to my hotel. At the fare machine I realized I only had a $10 and a $20 and I didn’t really want to put it all on a card. The info booth doesn’t give change, so I went back outside to the Blue Line Lounge. I couldn’t just ask for change, so I ordered a scrumptious social mojito and became engrossed in the Olympic gymnastic competition.

The regular me would never go to a bar by myself. I over think it - people will think I look like a loser; I won’t have anyone to talk to. But that’s the beauty of having a few drinks first, my inhibitions were lowered. Almost immediately, the guy sitting two barstools over starting analyzing the Olympics then a couple sat on my other side and we started chatting (oxymoron of the night: they guy’s name is Little John and he’s probably 6′4″). That’s when I discovered the Blue Line has board games! At this point, Olympics Announcer tells me he’s married to one of the bartenders but he paid for his drinks and left without saying bye to her. I don’t know if I believe him but why would be lie about it?

One mojito turned into two as a group of friends came in and I pointed out the board games. I challenged them to Candyland then we broke out Taboo. Two a.m. rolled around and the bar’s lights came up. The group headed back to the bar where I had already had a beer but I took my sweet time paying my tab so I could avoid having to rebuff the advances of my Taboo teammate who made suggestive comments throughout the game.

I finally had change for the L but unfortunately it doesn’t run very often that late and P.S.? Chicago gets chilly at night. After about 30 minutes of sitting next to a woman who I am pretty sure is a prostitute and her pimp, I started pacing the platform so I wouldn’t pass out on the bench. That’s when I met a HOT surgeon who was in town to take some kind of surgeon test. And then the L decided to show up.

The only downside to lowered inhibitions is the lowered sense of safety. Is it smart to run around a strange town by yourself and talk to strangers who offer candy-flavored drinks? Probably not but I survived and had a blast. Although now I do have an awesome script in mind for an episode of “Without a Trace.”

On a Jet Plane

August 11th, 2008 @ 8:31 pm | Comments (5)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

I’m leaving tomorrow for a week-long business/pleasure trip to Chicago so not only will posting be light to non-existent for the next week, but now is the time to brag about Shytown. Please share your favorite parts of Chicago. What’s the one (or 10) thing I need to do while I’m there? Thanks!

Bar Review

August 6th, 2008 @ 8:16 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags: , ,

Do you remember those commercials from about 20 years ago, warning people not to drink and drive? I remember badgering my father one night because he was drinking a soda or some other beverage as we drove to our friends’ house. Alcohol didn’t play a big part in my formative years (I honestly think my first taste of alcohol was via Jello shots at my childhood BFF’s high school graduation party) and so my young mind interpreted the warnings about drunk driving to be about consuming beverages in general while driving.

My home township is dry. Like Prohibition-era dry. There was a speakeasy near my cousins’ house, but it was raided so many times they finally just ripped off the roof effectively ending the one alcohol outlet in our small farming community.

The next township south isn’t afflicted by the same antiquated laws and it has TWO! alcohol-filled establishments. I saddled up to the bar at the nicer depot a time or two and I drove past the other but never had reason, or the inclination, to stop in. Let’s just say it’s less Denim and more bar from Sweet Home Alabama without the nice glasses and bright lighting.

After a rousing high school graduation party hosted at my parents’ the other weekend, my youngest sister, her boyfriend and I were faced with a Saturday night and no plans. Light bulb! She’s 21 now, let’s go ghetto for the night.

We pull up and quickly find a spot among the other five cars in the lot. The welcoming committee is there to greet us: two women, one with bleached-blonde hair and chipped teeth, the other a 40-something wearing a bright orange tank top proclaiming BITCH.

After climbing a set of concrete stairs with a gaping hole big enough to swallow a small child between two steps, we pause to let our eyes adjust to the movie-theater level lighting and our ears adjust to the sounds of goats in pain. Karaoke night… awesome.

We began this adventure under the assumption that we’d find cheap beer and a few good laughs at the people “clubbing” in the Trails. We failed on the cheap beer; bottles are $3; mozzarella sticks $6 for 5, steaks start at $25. They don’t have no draught. The air condition was either never installed or was broken because my legs quickly stuck to the vinyl bar stool. We could have sat at a table, but the white resin lawn chairs were farther away from the prompt service offered by the bartender who puffed away on cigarettes between passing out poker chips from men buying drinks for the ladies who already had two lined up. I forget what smoke-filled bars are like, and such things make me eternally grateful for Philly’s smoking ban. The crowd started getting bigger, the smoke started getting thicker and the music started getting more unbearable. So we took our party to the other bar in town, about 10 minutes away, where the air worked, beer was on tap and cheaper and I won a free lottery ticket.

Suffice it to say we were the only patrons at bar number one that had all of our teeth.

Congrats to You

August 4th, 2008 @ 8:52 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

I’m alive, my life is just really boring right now. Send entertainment! Fortunately, these people are more exciting than me:

Happy first day of work, Caitlin!

Happy blogiversary, Katie! (Aside, I get these PR leads from around the country and one reporter was looking for sources who have been asked to undergo cosmetic procedures, such as teeth whitening or Botox, to be a bridesmaid. I thought getting a spray tan was in imposition.)

Cass just had a beautiful baby, Lexi!

Thursday is Lawyerish’s birthday, Wednesday is Noelle’s. My fingers are crossed that your birthday present is another step in the adoption process.

Miss Doxie’s back, now with 100 percent more Sasquatch Senator.

It’s been five years for Janet and Will!

Pocklock is commute-free, lucky girl.

Audrey has a new job!

Did I miss an exciting update in your life? Let me know in the comments.

Cell Phone Calls

July 31st, 2008 @ 9:19 am | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

Unlike everyone else in my company fortunate enough to have a PDA, I have this dinosaur of a contraption that I have to carry in addition to my cell phone. It receives e-mails, yes, but only when you hit a button and the wind is right and all the stars are aligned. There is a phone function, but no voice plan, hence the need for a supplemental cell phone.

The T-Rex was resting in its nest, er cradle, atop my PC tower, when a chime drew my attention from my Google Reader. A phone call! On my PDA! Hark! Who could it be?

Not wanting my company to incur a huge bill for an unknown caller, I hit ignore and dialed the number from my desk phone.

“Hi! I think someone from this number just tried to call me?”

“It was an inmate at a correctional facility,” the man replied.

“Pardon me?” I’m trying to bring “Pardon” back.

“It was an inmate at a correctional facility,” he said.

The number popped up again and when I picked up the PDA, the battery popped out, ending the call and effectively resetting the device. Hope it wasn’t someone I know calling for bail.

27 so far, in pictures

July 30th, 2008 @ 2:37 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: Cows, My glamourous life | Tags: , ,

The Beautiful

Pretty

The Unusual

The Coolest/Most Appropriate

Opportunity Rings

July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:04 am | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

Scene: In the mailroom. The door bell rings and my Ukrainian coworker announces the visitor.

U: There young man here for Jean.

Me: Is there a young man here for Pom?

U: Ah… Not that young. You date my son.

Shiny New

July 17th, 2008 @ 9:19 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

Please tell me I’m not the only one that goes through weeks of boredom and then bam! There’s a week or so that’s fill with all kinds of shiny new THINGS that totally make you forget what a loser you were last week. Here’s what’s made my week sparkle:

  • Hersheypark on Tuesday with the nephew. He doesn’t get the concept of sitting down during rides. And he almost fell out of one of them. Whoops! We had so much fun on the water slides.
  • Things are going to be changing ’round these parts because I just won a superfab new blog design from the fabulous Jen at Jayesel. Thanks Janet for the heads up about the contest. I owe you!
  • I do have plans for this weekend now thanks to KTS. Her blog reminded me to volunteer for this weekend’s 20in24, a road race to benefit Philadelphia’s homeless. I recruited a couple sorority sisters and you can still help, too!
  • I had so much fun at happy hour last night that I came home and fell asleep promptly at 9:30. Do I know how to have a good time or what? For some reason I woke up at 3 a.m. and didn’t fall back asleep until 4:30. Did you know there’s nothing on TV at 4 a.m. if you don’t have cable? Is there anything on at 4 a.m. if you do have cable?
  • I went to a cool luncheon today with the founder of HelpAReporter.com. PR folks/journalists: Did you know about this service? Am I the last to the party, as usual? And speaking of last to the party, Peter inspired me to Twitter. Stalk Follow me at twitter.com/pomjob.
  • Today was my friend Mel’s birthday! (Happy birthday, Mel!) She invited me out on her family’s boat to celebrate. It was amazing! Tonight’s sunset was spectacular over the Delaware River. Raindrops were falling on our heads as we floated into port and mosquitoes swarmed as we said goodbye in the parking lot but it was awesome none the less. I might get to go along next week for her sister’s birthday. Whee!

What shiny new things did you do this week? Or tell me something fun you have planned for the weekend.

Everybody Dies Famous In a Small Town

July 2nd, 2008 @ 3:00 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: Gone Country, I heart TV, My glamourous life | Tags:

I’ve had my five minutes of fame on my hometown news station.

http://www.wgal.com/video/16715458/

PS-Great song by Miranda Lambert!

Defining Salad

June 30th, 2008 @ 6:59 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

This being my tenth day on the road, I decided to take it easy on my poor, overfed body and ordered the salad and baked potato combination for dinner at Bob Evans. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I’m a “selectarian” and rarely eat meat (usually only at fine establishments like McDonalds or Taco Bell) and only eat eggs when mixed in something (like cakes). It’s a texture thing that I’ve been harassed about dealt with since childhood.

Heads up: most family dining establishments don’t offer a wide array of selectarian-friendly fare. And the veggie food they do offer usually is lacking in good nutrition, e.g. pasta alfredo, fried eggplant, grilled cheese.

Tonight’s salad featured three cups of lettuce mix (iceberg lettuce, shredded carrots and red cabbage), three grape tomatoes and a quarter cup of croûtons. I’m brutally blunt, so when the manager asked how everything was, I complimented the delicious ranch avocado dressing and then remarked that the salad was a little lacking. He looked at me like I had two heads. In Bob Evans wold, cucumbers, onions, peppers and cheese are delicacies to be used only for actors, dignitaries and royalty. Guess they don’t know I was the dairy queen.

But don’t worry, I finished off my healthy meal with a hot fudge sundae. I looove dairy!

Weekend Wrap Up: Fighting Back Tears Edition

June 16th, 2008 @ 8:21 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

  • When Matt Lauer’s voice broke at the bottom of the 9 a.m. hour of a special edition of Saturday Today, tears sprung to my eyes. So long, Tim Russert. Hope you’re surrounded by the Bills and white boards in Heaven.
  • P.S. I Love You. Those letters! That accent! Those shoes! Oh my stars! Do guys like Gerry actually exist? Future blog about Cecelia Ahern to come because she is amazing.
  • I opened the door and my nephew rushed into my arms. I scooped him up and gave him a big hug. I pull back and look at his face when he leans in and touches his lips to mine, the first unsolicited kiss made my eyes cloud over. He claps when you say, “Good job, Dylan!” He reaches for the stars when you ask, “How big?” He has my heart.
  • Then there were the many moments Saturday and Sunday spent agonizing over the state of my sister’s life. She walked out on her husband, her house, her job and has set up house with a new guy, in a new city with no income and rent and car payments to make. She’s too germaphobic to walk barefoot in a gas station bathroom, but she’s only a public head shaving away from going completely the way of Britany Spears and I don’t know how to stop the downward spiral. Her life is a web of lies but in her mind everyone else is at fault. She’s fine, she says. She’s not crazy. She doesn’t need help. What can I do?

Oh! That’s what it means!

June 11th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

“Excuse me, what is the soup du jour?”

“That means soup of the day, ma’am,” the waiter replied.

Huh. How ’bout that.

Oh! That’s what it means!

June 11th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

“Excuse me, what is the soup du jour?”

“That means soup of the day, ma’am,” the waiter replied.

Huh. How ’bout that.

Why my middle name is Grace

June 10th, 2008 @ 5:46 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life, Uncategorized | Tags:

A Jeep rushed down the farm lane kicking up clouds of dust in its wake. I spot it and rush across the verdant grass to direct the driver to a parking spot out of the way of forklifts and tractors. I smile at the reporter walking toward me and suddenly the Earth is rushing at me.

We were gathered to commence the final stage of a major project at work. On a dairy farm. During the early June heatwave. My task of the moment was to keep the cars out of the way of the farm’s daily operations.

As I pranced across the front yard of the mustard-colored farmhouse, my right foot found a round hole bored into the slight hillside bordering the lane. I went flying into the lane, sliding on my elbow, hip and knee, successfully covering my right side in beige dirt that becomes speckled with red blood. In front of two reporters, three coworkers and various and sundry onlookers.

Luckily the guy in the Jeep was the photographer and he was too busy parking next to the other cars to capture my fall with(out) grace on film (or digital, in this day and age).

What did you do to embarrass yourself today?

PS-My middle name isn’t Grace, but it would fit. I’m currently sporting a bruise on my left hip from when I ran into the kitchen doorway yesterday as I tried to squeeze past the cleaning man, swollen toes on my left foot from when I jammed them into the ottoman in my living room, a scratch from the mini-blind that attacked me, unexplained bruises on my left knee and right thigh and the bruises and gravel pockmarks from today’s incident.

Close Encounters of the Dating Kind

June 5th, 2008 @ 7:26 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

I hear stories all the time about people who go on blind dates arranged by their friends and/or family, but no one has ever really offered that service to me. (Maybe I should be grateful. Most stories end with less happily ever after and more trainwreck.) From time to time, a family member or friend will suggest a guy that I should date but I’m relieved to say that these pipe dreams have never materialized.

My mom thought a guy working for them was the perfect guy for me. He was (is?) Mennonite but I have an aversion to wearing long denim skirts. My mom pooh-poohed that concern and insisted that we were perfect for each other. My dad disagreed. “He’s kind of overweight,” he said. With an endorsement like that, I was never gung-ho. The real deal breaker came a few weeks after I first heard of Wes. He had a mental break down and that was the last we heard from him.

Then there was the guy offered up by my roommate’s “friend.” Rich’s nephew was a few years younger than Rich and had a daughter. The daughter was conceived with a woman who had been involved with a guy who killed his parents and brother and kept their bodies in a house for more than a year. Sorry, I don’t think I’ll get involved with anyone with those connections.

This weekend, my brother-in-law tried to convince me to date his coworker. The coworker is in his mid-40s and lives with his mother.

“But he’s rich!” Jake said. “The guys at work told me he makes like $12,000 a month in interest on all his savings accounts. You really should give him a chance.”

I was talking with my much older and wiser friend Bean today and, as our conversations are wont to do, the topic turned to matters of the heart. Bean’s second husband passed away two years ago and she mentioned that she’s looking for a rich man to set her up for a life of luxury when she retires in six months. I mentioned the machinist recommended by Jake, honing in on the $12,000 monthly interest payments.

“No, you don’t want to date him,” Bean said. “He has dirty nails.”

Window into my Soul

May 28th, 2008 @ 9:50 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

There’s a pretty little gash on the upper part of my left arm, left by a wayward blind that was on a suicide mission to perpetuate my bodily injuries. (I don’t think I’ve had an entire day in my 26 years without a bruise or cut or something, somewhere on my body.)

My roommate has been in pursuit of new windows for our home for the past couple of months and her cousin/window man finally left word over the weekend that he would be here today to install our new windows!

I was thrilled when I heard the news. Finally! Windows that open! Screens to act like a holy Berlin wall that separates me from bitey, itchy, icky bugs! Cross breezes! The list is endless. We scrambled around this morning, taking down blinds and curtains, moving furniture and hiding unmentionables. My bed broke in the process, so now the left side of my bed is perched on a stack of books.

I judged public relations entries after work (Holla PR pros in Hawai’i! Nice job! Especially the dairy, how ironic that it was the first entry I judged.) and around 9:15 I approached the front steps of our row house with the giddy anticipation of a 18 year old virgin on prom night. Windows that open! Screens! Cross breezes! But there, shining around the panes of glass or whatever they used in windows in those days was the glint of the old metal window casings.

Cousin showed up, deposited the new windows wrapped in cardboard around the house, removed the old screens and called it a day. So now not only do we not have protection from the inquisitive eyes of 300 of our closest neighbors, we don’t have access to cross breezes or screens. I tried to temporarily rehang the blind in the bathroom, but as I pulled the cord to adjust the length, it sprung free from its restraints and landed on me with a clatter.

Cross breezes! Screens! Open Windows! Tomorrow you better be mine! (Or I’m coming after you, Cousin.)

News is Good News

May 19th, 2008 @ 11:41 am | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

1 TXT MSG the screen on my phone proclamed.

Gah. Hate text messages. Get in trouble for getting them on company-paid cell phone. Besides, who is still up at 1 a.m.? I? Am old.

I flip the phone open and hit OK to open the message

From Jamie

It’s a boy

May 18, 12:54 am

Congratulations Jamie and Henry! I can’t wait to meet Hunter!!

A Troop I’d Rather Not Join

May 15th, 2008 @ 7:54 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: Cows, My glamourous life | Tags:

I wrote this last night but saved the draft when I remembered it was my sister’s birthday so the timing won’t make sense but I’m too lazy to change it.

*********************************************

My fingers are shaking with excitement to finally have access to Internet for the first time since Saturday morning! I went to see my mama for Mother’s Day and then headed to Gettysburg for a conference. The following is a collection of random thoughts because I’m too fried for more.

Do do do do… do do do do… chu chu.

Just saw a commercial for the new 90210!

************************************************

What’s awesome? Robotic dairy farms.

What’s not so awesome? Touring the Gettysburg battlefield in the rain. Thanks, company-mandated fun time.

***********************************************

Anyone watching Farmer Wants a Wife?

I’ve been eagerly anticipating the show since I was contacted by the casting agent just after I started my job, a little more than a year ago. In a way, I helped cast it! (She wanted help locating the farmer.) I’ve been meaning to catch it but tonight’s the first opportunity I’ve had.

***********************************************

“We thought you were a Girl Scout leader,” said the hillbilly in the hotel’s bar. “We thought you were asking about the next troop meeting.”

I had just paid for four Dirty Girl Scout shots. It’s probably the best shot ever. Do people where they came from frequently hold Girl Scout meetings in hotel bars?

***********************************************

Do you have any random thoughts to share?

A Troop I’d Rather Not Join

May 15th, 2008 @ 7:54 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: Cows, My glamourous life | Tags:

I wrote this last night but saved the draft when I remembered it was my sister’s birthday so the timing won’t make sense but I’m too lazy to change it.

*********************************************

My fingers are shaking with excitement to finally have access to Internet for the first time since Saturday morning! I went to see my mama for Mother’s Day and then headed to Gettysburg for a conference. The following is a collection of random thoughts because I’m too fried for more.

Do do do do… do do do do… chu chu.

Just saw a commercial for the new 90210!

************************************************

What’s awesome? Robotic dairy farms.

What’s not so awesome? Touring the Gettysburg battlefield in the rain. Thanks, company-mandated fun time.

***********************************************

Anyone watching Farmer Wants a Wife?

I’ve been eagerly anticipating the show since I was contacted by the casting agent just after I started my job, a little more than a year ago. In a way, I helped cast it! (She wanted help locating the farmer.) I’ve been meaning to catch it but tonight’s the first opportunity I’ve had.

***********************************************

“We thought you were a Girl Scout leader,” said the hillbilly in the hotel’s bar. “We thought you were asking about the next troop meeting.”

I had just paid for four Dirty Girl Scout shots. It’s probably the best shot ever. Do people where they came from frequently hold Girl Scout meetings in hotel bars?

***********************************************

Do you have any random thoughts to share?

Big Girls Need to Shave, Too

May 8th, 2008 @ 7:02 pm | Comments (7)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

On any given Sunday, I can stand between two glossy wooden pews, gripping my blue hymnal, and meet eyes with girls my age and younger. They grow ‘em tall in my hometown, that’s for sure.

I found a delightful new blog today when Zoot linked to Angie. Her most recent post recalls a recent trip to the grocery store when a man made an awkward comment about her height, which made me think about all the awkward things that people have said to me over the years.

  • A cashier asked me and my youngest sister if we are sure we’re really related.
  • I’ve been working out for more than two years but people who I haven’t seen in a while are still getting used my my new physique. I’ve been asked many times how I lost the weight, and some people have come out and asked me if I had surgery.
  • During a banquet I attended for work, the farmer I was writing a story about asked if I was “you know” (complete with hand wiggle) because I didn’t (and don’t) have a boyfriend.
  • A friend’s boyfriend recommended a specific razor to shave my legs, because I’m a “big girl.”
  • I have naturally rosy cheeks. People don’t understand that and I’ve been told several times to lay off the blusher.

I’m sure there’s more but the part of my brain that allows me to hold on to some self esteem is blocking those memories right now.

What’s the most outrageous thing someone’s said to you?

Choices

April 29th, 2008 @ 8:15 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

You pull into the parking lot and realize you left a candle burning at home. You have two choices: run home to extinguish the candle or be on time for your hard-to-get hair appointment. What do you do? Get the haircut or make sure you have a house to which to return?

The men at the supermarket sure seemed to like my new haircut. (Really. The checkout guy checked me out.)

The house smelled good when I walked through the door two hours later.

Spin Cycle

April 28th, 2008 @ 7:33 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags:

A light curtain of rain was falling. puddles of brown water pocked the surface of the Pennsylvania Turnpike as I returned this afternoon from my friend’s baby shower in Pittsburgh. I was weighing the pros and cons of a new job that might be offered to my sister as I sped across the Commonwealth.

Suddenly I was hurling toward the concrete barrier that separated me from the west-bound lanes of traffic. I jerked the wheel to the right and slammed on the brakes. My life flashed before my eyes and I screamed repeatedly. The car made a 360-degree circle and continued another 90 degrees, the back wheels moved down the rumble strips as my car continued East-bound, sideways. I finally came to a stop and looked out the driver’s side window to see a gold car and a tractor trailer flashing their four-ways. My sister’s voice streamed from the cell phone clutched in my right hand, near the gear shift.

Television shows, books and “safety ed” teachers tried to impress upon me the proper way to handle such a situation, but as the khaki concrete loomed in front of me, my mind was blank. Maybe someone should invent a Wii game to simulate hazardous driving conditions so I’ll be prepared for the third time I do a 360 in precipitation. (If such a product hits the market let me know. I’ll buy a Wii.)

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