archives: October 2008

I’m not the only one

October 30th, 2008 @ 6:06 pm | Comments (0)
Filed: Celebrities, Inappropriate things people say to me | Tags:

 Omar Gaither

One of the perks of my job is meeting NFL players. So far this year I’ve met two Cardinals (which isn’t just a baseball team BTW), Eagle Sheldon Brown and recently “retired” John Lynch. Earlier this week I was at a photo shoot with Omar Gaither from the Eagles. The promotion is centered around getting kids to eat breakfast so there were seven students of various ages from first to eighth grades.

While they were sitting around the table “modeling,” first grader J looked at Omar and said, “You have a funny nose.”

How horrible is it that my first thought was that at least other people hear inappropriate comments, too?

A couple weeks ago I saw or heard something about a draft for a new women’s football league. I joked with a friend, who loves the story and frequently references it, that a big girl like me should try out. After seeing yet another picture where I’m almost as tall as an NFL player, maybe I should.

Rereading that post reminded me that I looking for a meeting room Temple University last month when a student selling mark complimented my blush (that I never wear).

I’m cheap and dirty, too

October 28th, 2008 @ 5:20 pm | Comments (2)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life, Philly | Tags:

I returned from a several day-long business trip to find this on my computer monitor. At least I still have 2.5 years until I have to pass it on! (Unless someone slightly older than me joins the company before July 30, 2011.)

Which, wow. Two and a half years doesn’t really seem that far away, but 2011 does.

Thank you to everyone who voted in my poll and shared your favorite books. In case you’re wondering what I did, it was a combination of number one and number 4. I wiped it off, moved it toward my lips, paused to consider the possible ramifications, recapped it, and surveyed the internet. Then I sprayed it with antibacterial spray and used it a few days later. So far, so good.

But have you ever NEEDED lip balm/gloss and you don’t have any? My lands! That bus ride was one of the longest of my life. My lips were burning. I thought I had a back up tube somewhere in the dark recesses of my purse, but no amount of excavating unearthed it.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

Will be posted soon. I’m waiting to hear back from the winner…

And all this happened before the Blue Moon

October 24th, 2008 @ 9:31 am | Comments (1)
Filed: Ouchies | Tags: ,

Bryan Adams said love cuts like a knife. I’m changing it to “cuts like a bottle cap.”

I was out of town earlier this week, and after a delicious Mediterranian dinner, I walked across the shopping complex to a little beer and wine store to pick up a nightcap to enjoy in the hotel room.

When using my farm-toughened hands to remove the cap from my Blue Moon didn’t work, I scanned the hotel room for a way to MacGyver a bottle opener. Turns out I’m more MacGruber than MacGyver. Here’s a hint, your belt buckle is not an adequate subsitute for a bottle opener.

But this itty-bitty Ben & Jerry’s made it feel much better.

Don’t forget to enter my contest today by noon! Win David Sedaris’s newest book.

It’s a Pomderful Life

October 22nd, 2008 @ 9:25 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life | Tags:

It was during my grandfather’s funeral nearly 5 years ago that I noticed how much gray hair my cousin Timmy had. He would have only been about 25 and I hadn’t seen him in a couple years. (He’s a product of divorce whose mother used him as a pawn. But that’s another story.) The buzz cut he sported emphasized that his dark hair was much more salt than pepper. By this point in my life I was already coloring my hair, but it was a half-hearted exercise in vanity to cover the smattering of silver strands rather than a necessity.

It figures the only trait I picked from my father’s tall, thin, tanned  gene pool was the tendency to gray early. It’s kind of sad when you have more gray than your mother.

Because I’m so much taller than most everyone else, it’s easy to get a few extra days between colorings - not many can see the top of my head. At least when I stand. While sitting at my desk yesterday, my coworker Ukie came to talk to me.

“Pom, what do you… Oh! Your hair! Why it so gray? You so young!” she said. (She’s Ukrainian.) “Is it because of your family?”

“Yes, Ukie. It is because of my family,” I said. “But also because of comments like this. It’s like that movie - every time I get insulted, a hair loses its pigment.”

Which reminds me I have another story from Clarion to share. As I walked into the decrepit “fraternity” house for the homecoming pig roast, a “pledge” greeted me.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m Pom, Shazaam’s sister,” I said.

“Oh, OK. I just wanted to meet everyone’s parents,” he said.

“But, but I’m not a parent. I just told you I’m Shazaam’s sister.”

“Oh, well you could be a parent. I could be a parent.”

“Yes, but not to a college student,” I said.

Then he returned to making Jello for the upcoming Jello wrestling. Only, instead of chilling the Jello to let it set, he dumped the boiling gelatin into a blow up baby pool that was filled with detritus from nearby trees and sitting in the hot sun. Something (aka Shazaam) tells me he’s not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

WWYD?

October 20th, 2008 @ 8:54 pm | Comments (12)
Filed: I heart TV, Philly | Tags: , , ,

Let’s say you’re waiting for your bus so you can go home after a long day of work and a tepid book club. You pull out your favorite, root beer-flavored lip gloss (and wonder why you’re still wearing flavored lip gloss at 27), uncap it, and promptly drop it on a dirty Philadelphia sidewalk, applicator down. What would you do?

  1. Pick it up, wipe it off with a semi-clean tissue and continue with your lip gloss applying.
  2. Retrieve it from the sidewalk, for you are not a litterbug, and promptly deposit it in the nearby trash can.
  3. Use it as-is. You’re not a germaphobe!
  4. Shove it back in your purse until you can poll the internet.

Earlier in the evening I attended my first book club meeting and it was… eh.

The book was not so good. I’m not a waster and I firmly believe in getting my money’s worth. Make a new meal that doesn’t meet my culinary expectations? Still going to eat it for lunch the next three days. Bought a shirt that wasn’t so awesome outside the store? I’m still going to wear it. So when I found this book painful from the first essay, I forced myself to power through until the end. But it’s still $20 I’ll never get back. (And that’s why I heart the library.)

A couple months ago I read Naked and loved it. It was hilarious! I LOLed several time, which earned me strange looks from my fellow bus riders. His stories were witty and it made me envious of his childhood adventures. These essays sometimes made me go, “Hmmm,” but never, “Hahaha.” And some of them were downright disgusting, like when he discusses his partner lancing a boil on his backside.

Maybe I’ll hold a contest; anyone want the newest David Sedaris book? Tell me your favorite book in the comments. I’ll pick a winner at noon on Friday.

I don’t know if the horribleness hindered our discussion or whether these women are just not very chatty. We dissed the book for a few minutes and then sat there looking at each other. I’ll give it one more shot and then reevaluate.

HIMYM is on… the night can only improve! Will Ted and Stella get married? I’m sure hilarity will ensue.

Should have waited until Tuesday, or, an ad for AAA

October 15th, 2008 @ 5:55 pm | Comments (5)
Filed: My glamourous life | Tags: , , ,

Mama always said, “Girl, you have wheels on your butt.” And for the past couple of weeks, that’s been true. First it was a work trip to Pittsburgh, which I turned into a personal trip to Clarion for homecoming. The following week, I tried to go to Chicago for another work event, and I eventually made it - $2,800 later.

I had grand plans to visit Target before heading to the airport. Of course, as usual, I was running late. But I had about 30 minutes after loading up the car. I hopped in the front seat, turned the key and… nothing.

$&#^@!

Dead battery.

I called AAA (thank you, work, for my free membership) for a jump. I wouldn’t be able to go to Target, but that’s OK. I didn’t really NEED anything, anyway.

Then a neighbor pulled around my cul de sac in his pickup truck. Score! I made a snap stereotyped and guessed, correctly, that he had a pair of jumper cables.

After offering him cash for saving my day, and then promising a free night of babysitting when he refused the cash, I cranked up the radio and headed for the airport.

I was crossing a bridge when I noticed a high-pitched whine when i pressed the gas. And then pushing the gas stopped making me go forward. The engine revved, but I didn’t accelerate.

&%$&^%!!!!!

I hit the AAA speed dial. Because I was on a busy Interstate, the dispatcher promised someone would be there in 30 minutes. The driver loaded up my car and we went to my friendly garage, where my mechanic reminds me of my dearly departed grandfather. The bus I needed to catch to transfer to the train to take to the airport lumbered toward us, so I threw my keys at him, grabbed my bags, dashed into traffic and breathlessly boarded the Number 9 to catch my rescheduled flight.

By Friday morning, I hadn’t heard anything from the garage, so I called to check in on the car. Turns out the transmission was broken, and they don’t fix them at that garage. The only garage they could recommend couldn’t even look at it until Tuesday afternoon. I Googled transmission near my zip code and found a place a couple miles away (AAA will take your car to another garage, if the first one can’t fix it). After giving my credit card number for a $1,000 deposit, I boarded my plane home.

First thing Monday morning, the new garage called and said my credit card didn’t go through. Chalking it up to the garage’s ineptitude with modern technology, I promised to bring the card to pay the balance when I picked up my car that afternoon.

I paid $1,800 and left the garage, my car running not quite the “As good as new” as promised but I don’t know much about repaired transmissions.

Imagine my surprise when 25 hours later I coasted into a McDonald’s parking lot and called AAA for another tow.

And imagine my horror when I checked my credit card statement online this morning and saw the original $1,000 transaction DID go through.

Finally, imagine the shit that will hit the fan if I have to call AAA one more time.

Jaw Dropping

October 6th, 2008 @ 9:11 pm | Comments (3)
Filed: Inappropriate things people say to me, My glamourous life | Tags:

I have a tendency to say things, things that don’t come out right and perhaps if I took a minute to think before I open my mouth, I would not get in so much trouble. I try to be a generally nice person, honestly, but sometimes my snarky side comes out and sometimes people just do or say stupid things. There’s also instances when my brain doesn’t work fast enough, so I just say something to fill that gap of silence. For instance, I once asked a woman if her sister-in-law was her mother-in-law. Oops.

This weekend, my college homecoming was not only one of the best homecomings ever but also one of the most fun weekends of my life. I spent lots of time with my youngest sister, who is now 21, her boyfriend, his fraternity brothers, and my best friend from Virginia. Time gets in the way of our long distance friendship. It makes me sad that we don’t call each other often and that she stood me up in San Antonio last January. But this weekend reinforced our friendship and we have awesome stories that could only happen in Clarion.

However, comment karma got me, and it got me bad.

I was sitting on my sister’s boyfriend’s “fraternity house” (air quoted because his fraternity officially lost its charter and campus recognition so the members formed a new, co-ed social club) porch when a alumnus from my years in Clarion, who I didn’t remember, approached us.

“You look like a prude,” he said. “I’m not even going to try to hit on you, because I don’t think you’ll have sex with me.”

I’m not sure what said prude, whether it was my bored expression or the turquoise argyle cardigan, pearls and jeans I was wearing. Or that I didn’t volunteer to Jello-wrestle. I was able to laugh it off because I honestly wouldn’t have had sex with him. And not because I’m a prude.

Well played, karma. I’m going to file this under a new category: Inappropriate things people say to me. It’ll fill up quickly because I have at least one more story to tell from this weekendd.

Thank goodness I had that second glass of wine…

October 1st, 2008 @ 8:54 pm | Comments (1)
Filed: My glamourous life, Ouchies | Tags:

Thank goodness I had that second glass of wine…

Because it’s numbing the pain right now.

See, I just finished dinner with a coworker in Pittsburgh. The hotel shuttle dropped me off in front of one of the finer hotels in town. I walked toward the rotating front door and the next thing I know, I’m sprawled on my stomach in front of three fellow guests and a valet. Turns out there’s a curb between the circular driveway and the rotating front door.

Which I might have seen had I not had the second glass of wine.

I’m enroute to my college’s homecoming shindig during which Autumn Leaf Festival morphs into Annual Liquor Festival. More tales of bodily injury may or may not follow.